Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
