I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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