I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize