Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
