whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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