i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize