After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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