why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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