My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
