i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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