So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
