I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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