getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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