I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found your dick twin last night
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
