I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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