GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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