Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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