Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize