Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize