her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
