I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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