He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
worst night to have a conscience
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
