so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
