Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
