When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
