ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
