my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize