I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
