I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
