I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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