I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
