You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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