i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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