i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
