I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
