headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
