It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
