My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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