just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
