Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
