dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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