.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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