So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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