i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
