y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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