Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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