I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
