Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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