mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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