im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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