How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
