I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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