Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
