apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
