I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
