weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
