I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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