Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
