end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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